We at the Boutique hear a lot of the same stories every day. "He thinks I'm replacing him with my toys", "My husband doesn't know I'm getting this for myself, I need something small to hide," or our least favorite of all, "I wish I could ask him to play with toys with me, but I know he would get offended." It pains every one of us when we hear our customers say that. In this blog, I hope to help influence a more open and accepting relationship when talking about toys in the bedroom. Playing with each other should be a fun and eye opening experience, not a shameful, scary conversation. Nothing can replace the loving touch of a partner, so it's important to inform your partner that toys aren't meant to replace, but to enhance! I hope this blog helps you find all the tools you need to fix yourself up a full plate of love, understanding, and foreplay!
Talking It Up
One of the best ways to start to conversation is to openly talk to your partner about your personal interest in toys in the bedroom. "I read in this blog that couples that use toys in the bedroom tend to extend their foreplay," For 62 percent of couples who participated in a study for Bustle.com, the most exciting way to make things more fun in the bedroom is by extending foreplay. Although the study didn’t say how long these couples are focusing on foreplay, it's still important that the time is taken to warm up and play around. It's very common that foreplay is skipped over, especially in longer relationships. The need for small talk and caressing seem to fade away, when truly what might be lacking is exactly that. Foreplay doesn't even have to include toys! But some great toys to include in your foreplay are things like small bullet vibes and ticklers/light whips.
Foreplay isn't the first thing on your mind, the main course is what were here for, right? In reality, foreplay is an extension of your playtime, plus it's beneficial to the rest of your session. It'd be like running a marathon without practicing or training yourself. You're going to be exhausted afterwards, and you might hurt important muscles by not warming up. May as well save yourself some grief by preparing yourself with some warm ups. Foreplay is exactly like that, you can tear and rub sensitive skin the wrong way without proper preparation. Women are not inherently wet all the time; in fact as we get older, women have a harder time getting naturally lubricated and will need more preparation time, as well as lube. Foreplay is necessary so the body has a chance to lube itself up, and you have enough time to recognize if you need a little lube yourself. And I'm not sure about you, but I love to fill myself up with appetizers, no matter how many I don't finish! Foreplay are your Sex Appetizers, each yummy and delicious and all of them different in size, and none of them you're expected to 'finish'.
Another great way to open up to your partner is to treat them to something small and sensual. Easing your way into a different pattern or schedule is awesome in theory, but a lot of the time one or the other partner could feel overwhelmed if there are too many changes at once. A great tip included in BDSM is "SSC", which stands for "Safe, Sane, and Consensual." This is actually a moment taken before the session or "scene", whether it be a week prior or just before it's about to happen, that sets all the guide lines, rules, and check-ups before the scene starts. "Consensual" is by far the most important of the three, as it establishes all the Do's and Don'ts of what these partners want going forward. A great way to make sure your partner is okay with new activities is to have a conversation before hand, you could even make it sensual!
"I have plans for you tonight in bed. I'd really love it if you would do this to me tonight, I wonder if it could be something we do more often, I really like the idea of it."
"Tonight, I'm going to sit you down and take my time with you. Then, I really want to try this new move I've been thinking about trying on you."
Phrasing your sexy talk like this is meant to ease the other partners nerves, if any, while also slipping in "something new to us." If your partner needs more explaining, again, go the sexy route and spell it out for them in a whisper while you tease and kiss them. Not only can this method turn your partner on, but it opens up a window that might not have been open before; communication in bed.
Pillow Talk, Sheet Talk, Toy Talk
Talking in bed is hard in the first place, especially if you're not used to it. Of those who participated in the same study as above, 49 percent of couples who use toys together in bed report communicating often, whether it be about sex or other subjects. In contrast, of those who don’t use toys typically, only 29 percent of couples could report the same level of openness and communication. This isn't to say your relationship will instantly be more open and you'll both be great at communicating if you just buy a sex toy, but the statistic makes sense when you think about it. Going out to get a toy together requires a little bit of talking about toys, or the interest in using more toys in bed.
Disclaimer: it is totally okay to be nervous when talking to your partner about trying new toys/finding a toy together, but its important to remember that toys aren't meant to be scary, they're meant to have fun with! That same Bustle survey found that more than half of the surveyors who buy sex toys together claim they "talk about sex toys often or very often", and that regularly window shopping, with or without the intention of buying, increased their intrigue in trying new toys and allowed them to keep interested and keep talking. So, a more mild approach to this topic could be a trip to an Adult Store to window shop, alone or together. Alone, this could allow you to get some ideas as to what you might want to try/purchase without the pressure of asking your partner "what about this one?" every few minutes. Or together, you two could do exactly that. While shopping, asking open questions "What about this shape?" "How does this vibration feel?" "What kind of toys catch your eye in here?" are awesome ways to keep the conversation going.
Our Favorite Bedroom Toys
If you find yourself taking all this advice, you might run into a problem that's much more common than you think; what toy do I pick? These days, there are waaay more couples toys than just a vibrating penis ring, so the selection gets overwhelming pretty fast. Eva, We Vibe Sync, Match and Unite, Jimmy Jane Ascend 1, and the Tryst are some of the better couples toys I want to introduce to you today, or if you've heard of them, tell you every which way you could use each toy.
A lot of the time your partner is overwhelmed by your "new toy" because of the size or shape or sound. New, big, loud things that are supposed to "make sex better" can really bog down the confidence meter. That's why whisper-quiet Eva is one of our favorite suggestions. The Eva is a female-designed toy for females specifically. She's a small, palm sized bullet with a funny face and some long, supportive arms. These arms are super flexible and are designed to nuzzle into the labia and support itself snugly against the clitoris during intercourse. The Eva is an outstanding toy for women who want a small, non-intimidating, yet powerful clitoral toy they don't have to hold against themselves during intercourse. The Eva is one of our highest suggestions because it stays put very well while moving around, and is even intensified in different positions where pressure is applied.
We Vibe's Sync, Match and Unite are pretty much all the same toy, just all with different abilities. To break it down simply, the Sync has app capabilities, the Match's controller lets you freely switch between all 10 functions, and the Unite has a single button controller that lets you click away until you've found the right speed. The Sync, however, is by far the best of the three. If you were going to spend the money on a company like We Vibe, I highly suggest you just go for the best of the best. You'll find that down the line, you're still discovering functions to the Sync you didn't read about in Cosmo. But, we're all on a budget these days, so let me tell you a little about all three.
The Match is a great choice if you're looking for a simple remote controlled couples toy. The remote has 4 buttons (up, down, left, right) that allow you to control intensity and vibration pattern individually. Unlike the Unite, but similar to the Sync, the Match has a motor on the top and bottom apparatus, allowing full clitoral contact and internal vibration.
The Unite is an awesome choice if you don't care for all the bells and whistles, and one touch buttons work for you. The remote allows you to not have to attend to the toy and stay hands-free, all while enjoying full contact clitoral vibration. The internal bit also adds some additional pressure to the G-spot, and because the bottom is silky smooth silicone, your partner isn't bothered at all!
Jimmy Jane is one of the more well known brands these days, along side WeVibe and Jopen. The Ascend 1, however, is one of they're newer models in the past year, and has really impressed us. This tongue looking cutie is a really sleek, soft clitoral vibrator meant to act as a tongue OR!!! (Man I get so excited about these things) Or it can be laid on the clitoris during intercourse, and for more pressure applied positions, you can even grind on it for more control!! I love this option because it isn't just geared towards hetero-couples, the grinding idea can be applied to lesbian relationships, poly-relationships and gay relationships! Toys are like easy math, this awesome toy + this great position = the best orgasm EVER!
As we come to an end, I really wanted to save the Tryst for last. As probably the more intimidating toy of all that I've mentioned, it also has the most functionality. It can be a foreplay toy, a cock ring, a G-Spot toy, a P-Spot toy, a nipple tickler, a clitoral toy AND a male masturbator. Try getting all that in some other toy, huh? It's primarily advertised as a cock ring, but seriously, it does so much more. It's unique shape allows it to do all these fun things, while also having three motors to enjoy. One on the bottom, individually controlled from the two nubby motors at the tippy top.
Some of the best advice I can give, especially if you've reached the end of this blog still pretty discouraged about either introducing toys or buying them together, is to just start small. Small conversations, small toys, small changes in the routine. Nothing happens instantly unless it's instant, and sex is a really intimate thing to change up. Stay confident, stay optimistic, and stay honest with your partner. If you need a little more than what you're getting, it doesn't mean they're lacking. And it goes the same the other way, if you're the one being asked if these new things seem fun and they tear you down instead, don't keep that bottled up! Let it out, express how you feel. Sex is a conversation in itself, so allow yourself and your partner to talk about changes in your routine that seem too much or too little in a supportive manner. This person loves you, why wouldn't they want to please you more or make you more comfortable?