Two is Company, Three's a Crowd... Or Maybe Not? A Guide to Having Your First Threesome

Two is Company, Three's a Crowd... Or Maybe Not? A Guide to Having Your First Threesome

Life is short. Try Something New.

Let's be honest, we've all had the thought pop into our head at some point or another... "What would it be like to have a threesome?" Realistically, a lot of us probably laugh that thought off and remind ourselves that we are "normal" people. But what if I told you that having a threesome IS normal. If you are feeling curious about finding your unicorn and introducing them sexually in your relationship but you are worried about your partner's reaction, remember that this is as normal as trying out a new kink and there are plenty of ways to bring up this subject to your partner. You and your partner have to have excellent communication and decide whether you want to add another into your relationship, sexually or sensually. You can read more about sensuality vs. sexuality here. Remember that no matter what route you decide to take in your sexual adventure, it is extremely important to always keep an open mind.


Open Mind.

Taking any new steps in a relationship is exciting. However, allowing another person into such a personal level of your relationship can be very intimidating. Remember that going through new sexual experiences with your partner always requires an open mind. It is never okay to shame your partner or yourself from wanting to try something new. Being in a relationship requires equal acceptance of each other's wants, needs, interests, etc. but in a healthy manner. Sex is already an extremely difficult subject to talk about openly so we don't want to discourage our partners from wanting to share their desires. The bedroom should remain a judgment free zone and I guarantee it will open doors to plenty of new adventures.


Open Communication.

If you and your partner have not yet mastered the art of communication, approach the topic of a threesome with caution. It is a subject that can bring a lot of different feelings to the surface. Sometimes an idea such as a threesome can play off of any insecurities that your partner might have. Our minds tend to overthink situations and it could result in your partner wondering why they alone aren't enough. Explain to them why you want to have a threesome, that you can both discuss boundaries and that you are perfectly alright with them saying "No". If you and your partner already have trust issues, a threesome may not be right for you at that moment but it is something you can both work towards. One crucial thing to remember is that as much as you want to be accepting, it is never okay for you to feel uncomfortable in a situation. So if your partner is asking you to do something that you don't like, speak up and tell them how you feel. Keep in mind, communication is key. You and your partner wont get very far if you cannot openly discuss your sexual fantasies. You might be surprised as to how much you can truly connect when you're both being open and honest.


Where to Start...

If you're nervous or unsure of how to bring the subject up to your significant other, there's a few different ways that can help you ease your way into the conversation. Start by talking to each other about your sexual fantasies. By doing this you'll not only be able to casually bring up the idea of a threesome and see how comfortable they are with the idea, but you'll also learn all about what really turns your partner on which can lead to some fantastic foreplay. Something that I find very helpful in talking to your partner about any type of new sexual experience is watching pornography that is focused on the subject that you are discussing. Watching a threesome porn video can be very helpful in deciding if you and your partner are ready to take that next step. It can also be helpful in setting boundaries, which are very important. Watching something soft core or even amateur would most likely be better, as professional porn stars or hard core porno's can make sex in general seem overwhelming and intimidating. If you and your significant other see something happening in the video that one of you doesn't like, speak up and say "I don't think I would feel comfortable doing that." Don't forget that you are the one that knows your partner the best. As long as you both mutually respect each other and your ideas, discussing this with them shouldn't leave you feeling awkward or ashamed. A healthy relationship is one that can lift you up even if they don't agree with what you're asking for.


Boundaries. Need 'em. Love 'em. Gotta Have 'em.

A threesome is not something that you can just jump into. It requires an extreme amount of trust and comfort in your relationship. Boundaries absolutely need to be set beforehand and everything needs to be communicated. Having set limitations that you and your partner have agreed upon will prevent anyone from having unwanted feelings such as jealousy or feeling uncomfortable. You should talk about everything with your partner from your choice of protection, to what type of person you want as your third, to what sexual acts you're okay and not okay with performing during the threesome. Its important to talk to your partner about who you want your third to be, and what type of communication you will keep with that person. You and your partner might not feel okay with remaining in contact with them afterwards. For this reason, many will tell you not to have a threesome with any close friends as it is always a possibility that the friendship could suffer. Also keep in mind that having a threesome does not mean that all sexual acts must be performed. This is an important conversation to have with your third as you may not be comfortable with them performing oral on one of you or one of you may not feel comfortable performing any type of sexual activity on the third person at all. Whether you decide that only one of you will be involved sexually with the third person, be partially involved with the third person, or everyone be involved equally, there is no wrong answer as long as it is discussed and agreed upon beforehand.

Who, What, Where?

I know what you're thinking... Where the heck are we going to find someone so willing? I promise you that its actually not as hard as it seems. When deciding who you want to invite as your third, there are a few things that need deciding. First, you and your partner must both find the person attractive and have a desire to be with them sexually. Whether you want to invite a male or a female into the bedroom, you have to talk about if this person should be a stranger, an acquaintance, or a friend and keep in mind the consequences that could come with any person such as an awkward atmosphere around the person afterwards, or a lost friendship. As long as there is communication, open mindedness, and understanding among all three people involved, things should run smoothly.

After deciding what kind of person you are looking for, you have to decide where you would like to find them. Today's world makes it quite easy to find a third, and trust me, there is an app for that! You can scroll on the popular app called Tinder, however there are more "threesome friendly" apps out there such as: Feeld, 3Somer, and NEWPL that are all worth the try. If you don't like the idea of finding someone via app, try going out to a bar and getting flirty in person. This could be an intimidating situation if you are not sure how to approach a stranger at the bar about this subject. For that reason a lot of people tend to find someone that is already an acquaintance. Now, I say "acquaintance" and not a "friend" because as previously mentioned, there is always a possibility that you and your partner may not feel comfortable being around that person again, or visa versa.

Now that you've chosen the lucky person, what do you even say to them? This is where you have to pay close attention to that persons expressions and body language as it is extremely important not to make anyone feel uncomfortable. If you're looking on some form of dating app, its pretty easy to find someone looking for the same thing that you are as its often written in their about me section. Politely message them and ask them what they're looking for on the app, and go from there. If you're finding someone in person or asking an acquaintance, you have to have a realistic point of view of how that person is feeling towards you and your partner. If you and your partner have been flirty with them all night and they have flirted back and you feel pretty confident, ask them if they'd be interested. However, if you're not sure about how someone will react, try a few simple things like keeping a flirtatious tone when you speak to them. Try asking a few questions to find out how open minded he/she is or gush over your partner and see how they react. Bring up the topic of how you're trying to spice things up in the bedroom. Focus on how he/she is reacting to you and your partner and try to pop the question at a good moment. Try not to come off too strong or overwhelming as you may scare them off. Always be prepared for them to say "No" and try not to be too hard on yourselves with the rejection as it is a big decision for one to make.


Sharing is Not Always Caring.

Have no shame in trying new things with your partner in a healthy, respectful and safe manner. You never know how much of a positive impact different experiences can have on your relationship. Its also good to keep in mind that having a threesome is not for everyone and there are plenty of other ways to spice up your sex life, such as heading over to your local adult store to purchase some couples sex toys that can add a little thrill to your average play session. And if you still want to try new things without inviting another person into the bedroom, try venturing out from your regular sex toy and look into trying some different fetish toys. Picking up some sexy lingerie and toys for a night of fun may be just enough for you and your partner, and that is perfectly okay.


Be Patient. Good Things Take Time.

You most likely will not find your third tomorrow, and if you do, consider yourselves very lucky. This could take time and you could get a few rejections along the way but don't worry. You will find the perfect person to join you and your partner as long as you be patient and keep open communication with your partner throughout your new adventure. If you are all on the same page, respect each others feelings and boundaries, and listen to each other, everything should fall perfectly into place.


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