Sex positivity and sex toys should never be restricted to non-disabled people, yet that always seems true when someone discusses the best toys or positions. Whether this is due to authors trying to relate to their audience and figuring that most of them don't have chronic pain or a disability, it's nonetheless unacceptable - and it's time we break the hush-hush stigma around sex with disabilities. If you're reading this and you're non-disabled, remember that these tips or suggested products might seem ridiculous to you, but treat it like As Seen on TV infomercials; if it looks like a kitschy item to you, it was likely designed for those with disabilities.
Let's touch on a specific topic first, though.
I want to break the ice on this blog by saying loud and clear that being disabled does not inherently nor solely mean being paraplegic, wearing a prosthetic, or using mobility aids such as crutches, canes, chairs, and more. There are plenty of disabilities where the individual may use mobility aids only occasionally or during flare-ups. On top of this, there's a plethora of invisible disabilities that everyday people have, such as carpal tunnel, scoliosis, autism, MS, diabetes, epilepsy, chronic pain, and more. Certain mental illnesses are also considered to be invisible disabilities, and some mental illnesses impact a person's ability to do specific actions during sexual intimacy as well as potentially being texture adverse, making it challenging to utilize particular sexual furniture or position aids.
That said, navigating sex and disabilities doesn't have to be an upward climb, whether you're disabled or reading this to help your partner! There are plenty of resources and products available that are made with those disabled people in mind. As someone who personally struggles with mental illness and chronic pain, disability is so complex that we can all really only speak to our personal experiences because even people with similar diagnoses and disabilities will have vastly different explanations or suggestions. Due to this, I'll be linking to some research and sex bloggers who experience various kinds of disability throughout this blog so that you can get more of a feel for others' experiences!
Something you learn very early while being disabled is listening to your body - though, most of the time, we think of this in terms of listening to your pain receptors and not trying to push through that pain. Listening to your body is something that you can and should be doing outside of just pain, though! Learning about your body and how your disabilities or medications can affect your personal sexual preferences and arousal is so essential. For example, someone with MS may experience loss of sensation in the genital area from nerve damage. A more intense vibrator, like the Nu Sensuelle Point, would be more beneficial and may even be on par with a regular vibrator for non-disabled people.
One of the fascinating things I find engaging is that our bodies experience sexuality differently–whether or not we're able or disabled–and we all benefit from listening to our bodies and observing how sex toys interact with them. For folks who experience disability, you can't avoid certain aspects. There are considerations like "will it take too much effort/energy/spoons for me to use this toy?" or "will I be able to hold this toy comfortably or even successfully?" or "because of the unique needs of my body, will this toy even reach where it needs to?" The wonderful thing about sex toys is that they're tools! They're objects that can sometimes make pleasure more attainable to people with different bodies or needs from the "average" non-disabled consumer.
Another thing we should all remember is that sex doesn't have to look or feel any particular way except the one that feels good for us; it's about sensation, and different bodies experience feelings differently, and those sensations will mean other things to the brains those bodies are attached to. This differing experience can simultaneously be exciting and pleasurable; what senses and positions work best for your body, needs, and desires? On the other hand, it can also be frustrating and alienating when it feels like no toys have your needs in mind.
Since each person's needs and desires will be unique, it's impossible to give a concise guide of sex toys for all experiences of disability. I've included some of my go-to tips for different products that some people find great for various purposes. Feel free to contact us at Intimates for personalized help–or reach out to any of the bloggers listed below if their experience more closely resembles your own!
Handles
For those who struggle with fine motor skills, using small bullet vibrators or standard flared base dildos for self-pleasure can be exceedingly tricky. Handles might not be something that you think you'd commonly see in the sex toy market, but most things work as handles if you open your mind up to them! Let's start with some external vibe options: finger vibrators.
Finger vibes are just what they sound like: small vibes that are great for all sorts of external stimulation (it doesn't just have to be the clit! These can get some excitement going on or around any of your arousal zones, no matter your body or gender). They're compact and don't require you to hold them because they wrap around a finger or fingers. Just be careful, as some finger straps are tight and uncomfortable. Some options in this style:
- Yumi by VeDO ($55.99 online): VeDO doesn't skimp out on power, and it shows in their Yumi! This toy has a built-in bumper that you slide your fingers under to help hold onto the vibrator. It's also waterproof, so those who love baths on intense pain days can always take it for a dip!
- Sucker for You by Evolved ($85.99 online only): This air pulsation toy comes with a built-in sleeve that your fingers go into, so you don't have to struggle to hold the outside! The Sucker for You comes with five air pulsation speeds and eight vibration intensities and pulsation modes.
Handled vibrators are another great option, and I don't mean the handles on traditional wands! Handled vibrators have a loop to allow for a more ergonomic and comfortable hold, more holding options, and a more relaxed grip for those who struggle with grip strength.
- Handle It by Gender X ($86.99 online only): This wand-style external vibe is excellent for any erogenous zone and has a flexible, textured head for more stimulation! It comes with eight different speed intensities and patterns and boasts a magnetic charger that makes it waterproof and an excellent charging choice for disabled individuals. No more struggling to push a small pin cord into a charging port - now, the charger just clips right on, and all you have to do is align the prongs on the charger head with the corresponding prongs on the toy!
- Charming Smile by Satisfyer ($74.99 in-store and online): This internal g-spot toy has a looped handle for easy insertion, and the buttons are flipped compared to typical vibrators. Since this toy is often used solo with the handle upside-down, the bottom button increases the intensity while the top button lowers it! It comes with twelve vibration speeds and patterns and is also magnetically rechargeable.
Many people don't realize that an excellent option for vibrators with handles is strapless strap-onsand double-ended dildos! For strapless strap-ons, the bulb that's typically inserted can be held and used as a handle instead of being worn, while double-ended dildos run by the same concept; the other side of the dildo can be used as a handle and may even be easier to use for some people in comparison to a typical suction cup dildo, whether they're using it solo or on a partner. For strapless strap-ons, there are both vibrating and non-vibrating options. However, I'll keep my list to the best-motorized options since non-vibrating mainly comes down to material preference (and silicone is always best!).
- Orgasmic Orchid by Gender X ($113.99 online only): I chose this toy because the bulb is poseable, meaning you can adjust it to what's easiest on your body! This toy may be challenging to use solo due to the button placement, but everyone's limits vary, so if you feel this is an ideal choice, I highly recommend it. The toy comes with two independent motors, so you don't have the bulb vibrating in your hand while you're using it, and it comes with ten different speeds.
- Vibe Medium by Strap-On-Me ($136.99 online only): This toy is a fantastic option if only for the remote feature! Of course, it still boasts some impressive vibration, but being able to not fumble with buttons on the toy itself while trying to use it is always a plus. The remote lets you control the toy's three motors (located at the tip of the shaft, the base of the shaft, and the insertable bulb) independently of each other.
Double-ended dildos come in a few options for vibration, and my top favorites might sound a bit odd due to their different use in this article, but stick with me - luckily, it's only one suggestion.
- Together Vibe 2.0 by Together Vibe ($219.99 in-store and online): Think of this toy as a more accessible version of a rabbit vibrator! With remote control and an exciting function that increases the vibration intensity, this toy works wonders as a disability-friendly toy! This toy's main feature is its Echo function. Although traditionally triggered by kegel muscles, you can squeeze the other side of the double dildo to increase the intensity for your pleasure! This squeeze feature may not be viable for some, but I chose it for its remote control, so you don't have to utilize that function. The Echo feature can also make using it on a partner more fun since you can squeeze the other side and catch them by surprise!
Penis-Friendly Toys
These toys have certainly come a long way, with plenty of options that "do the work for you," making them great for disabled people! If sustaining a prolonged grip is challenging, these toys can provide new ways to stimulate and excite. With some imagination, you or your partner can use them together during intercourse and oral sex.
- The Pulse Series by Hot Octopuss (Price varies, Pulse 3 Solo available for $119.99 in-store): This award-winning line can be used whether someone is erect or flaccid, making it the perfect toy for those with loss of mobility or those with erectile dysfunction. Many penis-friendly toys can only be used while erect, so if this is your main issue and you've tried things like pumps or rings and haven't found a long-term solution, remember that you're not excluded from experiencing pleasure!
- The Hammerhead Wand Attachment by Kinklabs ($29.99 and online): Made to fit most standard wand vibrators, this attachment is the perfect choice for disabilities since all you have to do is position the penis inside of the attachment, turn on the wand, and then relax! For our local customers, this can be made even easier with the Tula by Liberator ($139.99 in-store only) since the toy mount has a dedicated spot on the side for wands. We'll get more into position pillows and mounts later, so hold on!
Hollow Strap-Ons and Double Penetration Strap-Ons might not be what one expects to find on this list. Hollow strap-ons are typically associated with folks who deal with erectile dysfunction or have fantasies of a more significant member. Double Penetration Strap-Ons are just what they sound like: harnesses that allow using two toys or one toy and a flesh penis. Both of these can be fantastic tools for people with specific experiences of physical disability, especially those with conditions that may make it difficult to utilize their lower half. Both allow you to be more involved with penetrative play: hollow straps can have your penis inside of them, while double-penetration straps can have a toy in one hole and a penis at any level of erection in the other so that you might achieve more sensation.
- The Erection Assistant line by Nasstoys ($62.99-77.99, online only): I chose these hollow strap-ons over others due to there being room for the testicles. Most hollow strap-ons strap around the waist and thighs, starting at the base of the shaft, while this line has an open faux testicle spot where your testicles sit right inside (to me, this seems more comfortable). These hollow extensions come in various sizes and shapes to choose your favorite.
- The Menage A Trois Double Penetration Harness by Sportssheets ($76.99 in-store and online): This is our best-selling in-store harness, as it comes with a starter dildo, and the harness is fully adjustable. Since this is considered a double penetration harness, you can substitute the dildo that's included for any dildo with a flared base, making it an excellent choice for frequent use! The included o-ring that holds the dildo can even be swapped out, so you can use just about any size dildo as long as you have the right ring for it.
Position Aids and Furniture are common suggestions: the different shapes and sizes can work individually or in tandem to help make you or your partner's body more comfortable in various positions by supporting their body. You can see a wide array of pillows and position aids here and find one that suits your needs best! Another great option is sex swings and slings, which can help support your body in various ways.
People Who Write About Sex, Disability, Chronic Illness, and Mental Health
These Twitter accounts are worth exploring – go check out their pages if you're looking for a direct first-hand experience by and for disabled people! Some teach about sex and disability; others write sex toy reviews from the perspective of someone with chronic illness or disability, etc. If there are more people you think should be on this list, let us know!
Alice Wong is dedicated to recording, amplifying & sharing disability media & culture.
Miss Ruby Rousson is a queer disabled writer focusing on sex education and disability.
Hedonish is a sex educator and reviewer who also writes about her experience of chronic illness and chemical sensitivity.
Chronic sex is just what it sounds like: the Twitter account hosts weekly chats about chronic disability and sex, and the website is a fantastic resource for conversations and advice about sex and disability.
Andrew Gurza is a writer and disability awareness consultant who writes about his experiences being queer and disabled.
Cripping Up Sex - Eva Sweeney is a non-verbal author and sex educator focused on sex and disability.
Meet the author:
My name is Wilbur, and I'm a trans man with chronic pain, carpal tunnel, and autism, alongside multiple co-morbid disorders. My educational blogs centered around trans sexual health and sex with disabilities are new territory for me! Still, I've always been passionate about educating those new to these topics and providing others in my community with options they might not have known available to them.
